Subsistence Farming - Hawaii

i ask myself “how can i be so passionate about one idea today and then have it matter so little so quickly?

- today i want to be finished with the structures and infrastructures on the farm, i want to be like tasha tudor and focus on milking my nubian goats, making birthday gifts by my own hands, harvesting from my well tended garden which included flowers as well as food, sewing my own clothes, creating art, holding precious the celebration of the spirit of thanksgiving, writing letters to friends using a fountain pen and homemade paper…

- last week i wanted to actively participate in the building of our main living space, i wanted expansion. i was bubbling over with ideas and futures.

- the previous week i wanted to reread all the tom brown wilderness survival books, prepare a small backpack and walk alone off the land into the wilderness, no structures, no infrastructures…

- another week i am passionate about returning this 22 acre farm to its rightful “owners”, the hawaiian nation.

- later i want to turn this land into a trust and live here in a egalitarian community, tribal even.

- some days i want to give up the phone and internet and other days i want to eat at a restaurant every day of the week or eat packaged macaroni and cheese maybe even the kraft bright orange stuff.

- some days all my ideas are expansive (low hedges around all the orchards with interconnected gates and sheep roaming freely nibbling all the weeds, or a new one acre experiment creating a building totally from the land and off the grid, planted with a staple food garden and orchard which we rent out to give people the opportunity to experience this lifestyle, complete with a homemade cookbook with recipes such as “chayote and taro curry” using only ingredients from the land.)

and i have recurring questions like about the responsibility of my daughter’s education:

- do i home school my daughter and use the current public school model so she can “fit in?”

-do i blow off the formal setting and let learning flow from our days? just trust that Nature and her nature are sufficient to teach her everything a human being needs to understand to live an enriching life.

-what about her interest in being a veterinarian? do i teach her how to listen to a lecture and figure out what the test questions will be?

-do i teach her how to take a multiple choice, timed exam or do i teach her all the things i never learned about managing my money, having a relationship with nature that doesn’t require an SUV?

-can i possibly find a way to teach the history without repeating the story of exploitation (people, places and things)? do i prepare her to fit in to the insanity of mainstream living or do i prepare her to create something sustainable?

-how can i make those choices? how can i ask lauren to make these choices, at 14 years old?

and what about all this i read about menopause? they say i’m loosing bone mass, i will forget my friend’s phone numbers?
i want someone to write a book entitled “my menepause was totally different than everything you’ve heard” with a collection of stories about women who didn’t fit the model of a dried out invisible dithering mess of sag and wrinkles.

how do i integrate the ideas of nvc into my brain pounded for years with concepts of right and wrong, punishment and reward, needs versus wants, obligation versus “selfishness”, responsibility versus authority, victim and oppressor….