integrating
June 21st, 2006
a few days ago scott gave me some undivided attention (NVC empathy) and it was so fundamentally insightful. i was able to process and explore what is going on for me. at the end, scott summarized it as: “we have done some serious transformational medicine journeys, we have immersed ourselves in NVC, couple’s council weekly, worked with the Soul Without Shame material and created a safe and enduring relationship with our “no-exit” marriage commitment so there will be difficult times trying to integrate.”
i have spent a lot of my life putting on the front that I am a strong powerful force to be reckoned with. and as i do more work with moving my rage i am confronted with a sense of fragility, insecurity and fear that it is at times unbearable. to have to face the reality of what is behind the facade has been a slow process for most of my life, a slow uncovering. but recently it has been anything but gentle. i see how much i cling to enemy images, how much i rely on determining who is the good guy and who is the bad guy, desperate to come out “squeaky-clean” and retain some sense of dignity. its nothing new, its just been more like a freight train lately than the merry go round i am familiar with.
i realize how much i have abandoned a part of me that was truly(?) powerful in exchange for a chip on my shoulder raging bitch. but then again this powerful protective part seems just as desperate and inflexible in many ways. yet it also feels like a real part of me that has been stifled and has never had a chance to evolve. i have an ongoing sense that i need to just to away and pull myself together before i am fit for human companionship! the old “fix me first and then one day in the future when I FEEL fixed I will join life” strategy i have been following for as long as i can remember
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