Subsistence Farming - Hawaii

what a difficult time i am having

i am so confused about whether to trust my intuition or not in terms of interpreting the action of others. do i go with my inner story, my physical response, my gut? isn’t that a story? or do i switch my focus on what i am needing? i am addicted to my story.

when is my intuition trustworthy? once i’m healed and whole? what do i do in the meantime. trust what other people are telling me? their stories?

i believe people can hear more than the words being said. we can read energetics. i believe that. but what do i do when someone’s words and the energetics i am “hearing” don’t match up?

i had this idea that maybe its impossible to feel confused. that maybe confused is not a feeling, its a thinking. i know my head can spin me in circles weighing pros and cons, assessing shoulds and shouldn’ts. but my gut, my heart can’t be confused. it knows. the only pain is when i don’t believe or want to believe.what it knows.

i have been in a state of inner turmoil for the past month. i realize how much work i have been trying to accomplish in this life. i have been trying to create a life, a home, a lifestyle that i am finally realizing takes generations to create.

i looked at a photo recently of an ariel view of the terraced hillsides of china. i thought “if i had to build those thousands of terraces in my life i would go crazy, but they were created bit by bit.” i am acutely aware of how much my life lately looks like the impossible task of doing many generations worth of work. i wish my ancestors worked this land before me. somebody’s ancestors did. but they have been gone for too many generations to have anything to show for it. or maybe that was the idea. to live in a way that you leave the earth as if you have nothing to show for it.

and yet i want the trees to be mature, the systems and infrastructure to be complete. i want to begin to live my life, not keep getting the stage ready for my life.

i feel too tired to only get this far. i don’t want to be planting endless seedlings without being able to sit back in my completed house with my completed infrastructure and harvesting my grandparents mature trees. will i ever taste that?

and…. i don’t even have an inner sense of how to build a building. not the way birds know. the way tribal people know. they never expected to build a house to last for generations. otherwise the skill of building would be lost. they built mud houses like the pueblo, or thatched roofs or bamboo structures. yet my culture tells me i am too tired to remud every year or rethatch over and over. with all my years exploration: adobe block, cob, stawbale, post and beam, earthship, tarped screenhouse. i still don’t even know how to eat or build within my nature.