Subsistence Farming - Hawaii

we are continuing with our NVC classes, in rotation. we are taking turns leading the class each week.

i am integrating what i am learning and practicing. i have certainly been experiencing the “obnoxious” stage marshall describes. now i feel more relaxed and at ease. i have had an nvc celebration at least once a week for sure. i used to think the main focus for me in practicing nvc was to empathize, especially in listening to others. i noticed did not have success when i was also needing empathy. then i started to remember one of the diagrams marshall made (in one of the dvd’s i purchased). he showed what it looks like when you approach a difficult situation in the authoritarian way we were all taught in our culture: you feel things like hurt, angry, guilt, depression because you are focused on who was right, who was wrong, who did too much, who did too little etc. the focus is on the (endless) story of who is the victim and who is the oppressor. then marshall wrote below that the focus of connecting with your own needs and staying there. a choice i didn’t know i had until recently.

i really got it that everytime i try to determine right and wrong, tell my compelling story… i still feel bad. i experience a heavy weight on my shoulders and my joy! but when i skip that, or at least interrupt it at some point and focus on what I need (without trying to manipulate my need into being some one else’s responsibility), i feel lighter.

originally I judged my success at NVC by how often i was able to empathize with myself or others. i noticed that i generally was not successful when the person i thought i “should” be empathizing with was the very same person i was “angry” with. Ii stopped “trying” to have giraffe ears on all the time. too hard. instead i remind myself to give myself empathy, which i am much more successful at AND i shift from blame/story into identifying my needs. that has made the biggest difference.

lauren said to me yesterday, “mom, NVC is not so much about what you say but how you think. i don’t always use the words but i know i think differently.”